Your Message is the Medium....

It's amazing when I experience my son say something in a tone that I feel is not nice. I know how I feel when I hear it and then I realize - this is learned. He heard it right here! Oh my gosh! It made me think that at times I may get frustrated and show this in my tone with my son, but may be able to refrain in other circumstances. Just because kids are kids does not mean they need to be spoken to in a tone that isn't nice. (Unless the situation warrants voicing frustration or danger or the like - but respectfully. Let's face it, we are human and get frustrated).

I recall in a training, discussing that our face is not our own. It's what we project to everyone else. Despite our lack of awareness, it is saying everything we are not verbalizing and further explaining what we are. We may want to verbally convey genuineness but when our face and our bodies don't match, the message it's skewed.

This is a puzzle in relationships. We have to start to train ourselves to decode the meta messages (tone, facial expressions, body language). What is it that the other party really means? How can I convey what I'd like to say truthfully, gracefully and respectfully?

We can start with awareness. My son is like a little mirror and if he's speaking in a certain way he's heard it at home or somewhere. He reminds me that my words and behavior have to match and be respectful (- a pet peeve of mine as a therapist but how could I drop the ball with my son? Hmmmmm.....).

Being mindful that 90 percent of communication lies in what we don't say is a huge lesson in cultivating awareness. We need to train our bodies and our speech to be seamless so there is no room for misinterpretation. We also have to learn to speak up and ask questions if we are not sure about what was intended. Remember in school when the teacher said "there is no such thing as a dumb question"? The same applies here. If you need clarification in relationships, at work or in any circumstance, ask respectfully conveying that true understanding is your goal.

You'll be amazed at how smooth things can actually be:-)

Have a great week!

Warmly,
-Andrea