Living In Between....

Living in between is a theme that keeps coming up this week. There's no wonder they call kids 10-12 'tweens. They're not little and they're not teens. They're stuck in between. Our culture doesn't accept childlike behavior but doesn't give them the privileges of teenagers. It's a hard stage and I never hear anyone saying they want to go back to middle school!

Development across the lifespan finds us often living in between for developmental reasons but in reality, it's also a reflection of attitude. We get stuck in deciding to stay home with the kids or to work, to stay married or separate, to change jobs or stay in the same one out of fear.

All of the above comes down to deciding. While we are taking the time wanting things the way we think they should be, we are resentful, even angry about our current circumstance. Think of all of the life 'in between' that we are missing out on living! The key to getting out of in between is to decide to accept where we are and enjoy the perks of just being content. When we project what we think should be or what we want versus just working with where we are, a lot of living can start.

This week, lose the in between attitude. Decide if you're home with your children to be present to them or go back to work. If you're unhappy at a job, take a step. If your marriage or relationship is at a stalemate, what action will you take to feel empowered to move it forward? Most of all, be gentle with yourself and the process. Living in the present is the greatest gift we can give ourselves. Enjoy!

Have a great week!
Warmly,
Andrea

Your Message is the Medium....

It's amazing when I experience my son say something in a tone that I feel is not nice. I know how I feel when I hear it and then I realize - this is learned. He heard it right here! Oh my gosh! It made me think that at times I may get frustrated and show this in my tone with my son, but may be able to refrain in other circumstances. Just because kids are kids does not mean they need to be spoken to in a tone that isn't nice. (Unless the situation warrants voicing frustration or danger or the like - but respectfully. Let's face it, we are human and get frustrated).

I recall in a training, discussing that our face is not our own. It's what we project to everyone else. Despite our lack of awareness, it is saying everything we are not verbalizing and further explaining what we are. We may want to verbally convey genuineness but when our face and our bodies don't match, the message it's skewed.

This is a puzzle in relationships. We have to start to train ourselves to decode the meta messages (tone, facial expressions, body language). What is it that the other party really means? How can I convey what I'd like to say truthfully, gracefully and respectfully?

We can start with awareness. My son is like a little mirror and if he's speaking in a certain way he's heard it at home or somewhere. He reminds me that my words and behavior have to match and be respectful (- a pet peeve of mine as a therapist but how could I drop the ball with my son? Hmmmmm.....).

Being mindful that 90 percent of communication lies in what we don't say is a huge lesson in cultivating awareness. We need to train our bodies and our speech to be seamless so there is no room for misinterpretation. We also have to learn to speak up and ask questions if we are not sure about what was intended. Remember in school when the teacher said "there is no such thing as a dumb question"? The same applies here. If you need clarification in relationships, at work or in any circumstance, ask respectfully conveying that true understanding is your goal.

You'll be amazed at how smooth things can actually be:-)

Have a great week!

Warmly,
-Andrea

Authenticity

We travel an amazing journey as we progress in our lives. We go from total dependence on our parents, to some connecting with our peers to advancing our academics and at the same time our personality and our talents come into bloom. If you ever watch kids they can go about things with wreckless abandon and have the courage to go to school with five different colors, none of which match, and shoes of even a different color and they step inside completely confident with what they've picked out to wear for the day. They don't yet get caught up in what other people think. They just are.

It's sad to think that we spend our whole lives trying to get back to the way we start out - just being ourselves. As we grow and mature we start to squash part of ourselves in order to fit in or to conform. We want so much to belong. We become less honest with ourselves and with others and soon we are keeping secrets and only revealing tidbits of ourselves to people instead of allowing them to know our whole selves. It becomes exhausting trying to manage who knows what part of us and with whom we can let our guard down.

When we're truly integrated with ourselves, we are not afraid for anyone to know us totally, much luck children let it all hang out. Isn't is amazing to think that we have this knowledge as kids but we spend a lifetime trying to learn it as we grow? We all have challenging stages to endure but in the long run, if we have open hearts and minds we'll be able to be honest with ourselves and anyone who crosses our path.

This week I am giving you permission to let go of the secrets. Be yourself and take the risk. The truth is if what you're hiding from someone is something that they can't accept about you then the relationship wasn't really a relationship anyway. Seek truly authentic relationships and then you'll discover what you've been missing all along.

Stop by for a dose of courage of you need to this week!

Warmly,
Andrea