Are you ready?

I've missed a week of posting. It's been a difficult time for my family and extended family as we tended to my mother-in-law who passed away on August 19. She fought a heroic battle against cancer. She died the way she lived. She pushed through and did what she needed to accomplish and served her God and her family until the end. Her pastor came to pray with her in the hospital and when he was through she asked
" Am I ready"? He replied,"yes, you are ready". Prior to that she asked her daughter just a day or two before if she had finished writing all of her thank you notes to people who prayed for her, and supported her in any way. Her daughter assured her that she had.

If you've ever suffered the loss of a loved one, you know well that the death itself is only the beginning. There is a long road ahead to healing. I've mentioned before that our culture doesn't really have any language or at times proper protocol as to what to do or how to act whether we're family, friend or neighbor.

There is the immediate pain of the loss, the domino effect on the family who tries to support one another but who can't successfully lean on one other, because should they lean too hard, the next one will fall and the rest will follow. There is the overwhelming administrative side of grief - taking care of the business of death (writing sympathy acknowledgments, closing accounts, settling debts, tending to the estate, etc).

Grief can bring out the best or the worst in people. Some may hover in hope of acquiring some material item that they've coveted and others will instinctively know how to walk the grievers through their minutes and days.

Grief can come on like a tidal wave and it's unpredictable. In hopes of improving my own skill set in this area a while back I acquired a book called " Don't Ask for the Dead Guy's Golf Clubs". It's a book of things that grievers found helpful that people did for them or that they wished people had done.

I continue to learn through my husband and his family how to best serve he and his family based on their cues and needs. Everyone is different and I am certainly not the expert on their grief patterns. Grievers are their own experts.

You never know who is carrying a tremendous load. There are friends, neighbors, co-workers and people we may barely know who cross our paths who may be suffering deeply. Our society encourages us to shy away from pain and discomfort. The truth is, we need one another and we need to allow people to lean when their normal foundation is shaken to the core. It's why we are here. It's why we care. Society encourages us to stuff it and return to regular routine function and so, broken, we do our best.

I've mentioned before about taking a look at our core values. The way we spend our time is the clearest indicator (our discussions, our work, our friendships, etc) of our core. Is yours based on what is popular or is it based on something more?

In my field we are called to be role models. I am still a work in progress but I am glad to have been able to be complete with my mother-in-law and to thank her for raising such a wonderful son who is such a great husband and father. We were able to have a wonderful week's vacation at the beach with she and the rest of the family and although she wasn't the expressive type, I really wanted her to know that because she was born my life has been enriched by the family she created.

She was truly ready. How ready are the rest of us?

Treasure each moment and make it a great week.

Warmly,
-Andrea

Trusting your instincts....

Science even supports trusting your instincts. When a situation presents itself and you find yourself unsure of what to do, what do you do? How do you finally arrive at a decision?

I remember participating in a mindful decision making exercise where we had to draw a decision making tree to decipher how we came to a peaceful resolution to questions presented to us. It was interesting for me to note the patterns that I followed. In all honesty, I like to gather data (I am a list person) and make an informed decision based on information and my instincts.

There are times when we have to make a decision and we don't have a lot of data or a lot of time. Parents would be lost without instinct - it's what goes beyond doctors and child specialists. Parents know their children and can sense danger when it's present and try to be vigilant for the insidious dangers that are more difficult to identify. How do they do it? How does anyone do it? Even animals do it.

It's important to pay attention to our bodies when a situation presents and we are mandated to respond. Our first response is often a correct response. It feels right. Oftentimes our body manifests data for us by producing a physical response - goose bumps, a quick stomach ache, chills etc. Every time I have not acted on my instincts, I have been wrong. Our bodies and minds are carefully connected to help us. All we have to do is tune in!

This week, start paying attention. You'll be glad you did!

Have a great week!
-Andrea

Being Complete…..surrendering….

I seem to be hearing more and more stories of people having serious, terminal illnesses and have also been in touch with friends who are still recovering from the death of a spouse due to serious illness. It really reminds me of how fleeting this life is for all of us. All the more reason we need to be complete with one another.

Years ago I attended the Grief Recovery Institute. It was there, after enduring several losses in a brief amount of time, that I learned one of the greatest lessons of my life to date. Loss can be identified in so many ways, not just via death. It can look different for everyone yet we have no appropriate/accurate language that we can offer someone who is grieving. Losses of relationships, jobs, miscarriages, moving, what could have been, these are all grief events.

My biggest take away from this experience was learning to surrender the hurt especially when you are not able to get closure with it. This is most difficult. I am a communicator. I like to be sure I am on good terms with people. If I experience a misunderstanding, I will go to the person and try my hardest to make it right. When I am not able and the situation no longer allows it, I rest knowing I have given my best effort and that I will have to let the situation be. In this I learned that we need to be complete with one another. My work as a crisis counselor is an ever clear reminder that tragedy does not discriminate. It is a reminder every day to try to leave nothing unsaid. I try to give out all of my compliments daily and mend anything with everyone. Am I always successful? No. But in reality, in the big picture, is what we are holding on to so important that if the person we are in conflict with were taken from us, we’d feel ok with the terms on which we left?

This week review your relationships. Pick up the phone if you need to and surrender your pride. You’ll feel lighter the rest of the day!!

Peace,
-Andrea

Weebles Wobble

It's amazing how we can weather storms. I like to call them 'frontal systems' when they seem to hang on for long periods of time. When the ride is particularly rocky, what gets you through? How do you get your land legs again?

I love that weebles wobble but they don't fall down. I refer to that saying often to get myself through tough times and also to encourage my friends when they need it. Life is guaranteed to be hard sometimes. What does your history say about how you will handle the wake? Do you need some re-tooling? What's in your emergency kit when your boat starts to list? Faith? Family? Friends?

This week, be sure you check your bag. If necessary make a list of what you need to discard and reassess your needs. The best offense against an emergency is preparedness. Don't let history repeat itself if it wasn't successful the first time.

Be well,
Andrea